©2011 Graydon Schwartz
I want to preface this by saying that, yes, this is about breaking up & losing love. But it is not about a casual break up. It is not written for the person who moves on easily. This is written for the person that suffers from the unspeakable sadness of the loss of true love. This is written for the person that, right now, does now know if she (or he) can go on. If you’re not okay with any of that, then please, stop reading now.
Getting over it is easy in theory, but never in practice. I’ve thought about writing this piece for a long time. The reason it took me so long is because it’s impossible. You can’t write a breakup guide. You can’t give advice to a person who has just had her still-beating-heart ripped from her chest, thrown to the ground, and stopped by a heavy boot. Yes, the metaphor is dramatic, but then, if you are going through a breakup right now, maybe it’s not so dramatic after all.
In the end I’ve decided to write this even though it’s impossible. I can’t say that I am qualified to do so, but what I can say is that the emotions written here are mine and even though I know that right now you feel like no one could possibly understand what you are going through, I do. People say, Write what you know. I know this pain.
I’ve decided to call this an un- guide to breaking up because it’s not a guide. There’s no such thing as a guide for this and anyone who tries to tell you (sell you) that there is, is a liar.
I know. I know exactly where you are and as much as I want to say something that will make this better, I can’t. The truth is that there is nothing that I can say and nothing that you can do to make this better. What you need to know is that one of two things is going to happen from here: 1. The two of you are going to find a way to work this out or 2. You are not. What you need to know is that either way, you are going to survive. More, you are going to thrive & grow & do everything that you are meant to do with your life. Although it doesn’t matter now—the truth is that this, too, shall pass.
It’s possible that this is going to be the most difficult thing that you’ve ever gone through. Understand that nothing can prepare you for it and you are not selfish when you determine that nothing else matters. You will feel hollow & alone. You will want for nothing other than darkness. And then when you think that it’s gotten as bad as it can get, it will get worse.
I am not being a pessimist. If you know me, you know that I am not a pessimist. I am being a realist because I have been there and this is how it is.
I’ve never shared this with anyone but my very best friends, but I think that, in order to really understand what I went through, I need to share it. At the worst point of it, I wrote this:
i don’t know what else to say. i can not eat or sleep or shower or anything. i look like death. my eyes are burning out of my skull. funny i have not cried nearly as much as i would have thought. i don’t know how i am going to go on. i really just want to die. i just wish that i would go to sleep and never wake up tomorrow morning. it’s not so much that life seems pointless without him just that life seems pointless in general. it’s like there is nothing in my future, i can only look behind me & fight back vomit. last night i played through all of our very best memories. i thought he was my soul mate. how could this happen? how could i be so stupid?
i’ve got to be realistic. i’ve got to remember my goals. i’ve got to remember that i’ve come through this before (though nothing has ever come close to this) but i have come through all the same, AND people come through worse everyday. i still have my health, i still have my family, i still have my friends, i still have my writing. there are still books to be read & countries to be seen & poems to be written. there are still hands to be held, babies to be had, christmas trees to be decorated, presents to wrap & gifts to open! right now all i have to do is breathe. all i have to worry about is the next breath & maybe the one after that. i’m going to be alright. i’m too beautiful, too gifted, too full & bursting at the seams with love. this is his loss. i know. i know.
Losing a person that you love so greatly is like an obesity of grief, you think, How can a body withstand this? But you have to do it. You have to pierce yourself precisely through that point to open your soul beyond terror. And then, you have to keep going.
Because the ultimate truth is that you do not deserve anything less than everything. And right now, he (or she) is not it. You will be sick and morose. You will cry until your eyes are desert dry and your head throbs and you have nothing left.
And then. One day. You will hold life like a face between your palms, a plain face, no charming smile, no violet eyes, and to life you will say, Yes, life, I will take you. I will love you, again.
And just like that everything will be okay again. I know this, too, because I’ve lived it. Just when I thought that hope had left me for good, just like that, it returned. I was on a ship in the Caribbean sea, finally and entirely without him, and one day I was simply alright again. I couldn’t figure out how or why, but it happened. And even though the worst had come true. Even though my own worst fears were realized. I was going to be okay. Life would never be the same. I would never be the same. But one day I took life back. I learned to love it again.
There will be moments when you will literally have to pick yourself up and carry yourself across your own shoulders. But you will do it if you can promise yourself this one thing: Promise yourself that you’ll believe me, that you believe me when I tell you that one day you will be okay again.
You have been with for so long and now you will be without. In that transition, you will lose nothing of yourself. Piece by piece you will lose him (or her), but you will not lose any of you. In fact, you will gain pieces of yourself back, slowly at first & then rushing in like cool water over your soul. You will rediscover the parts of you that you let him (or her) take away, choke down, diminish. Because love is loss. We all know that. Love is loss. But. It is also love & that’s why it is so hard to let go. Still, you are and you will and you will go on and the wounds that are gaping now will heal with time and though they will never heal entirely, your skin will be stronger where it was once broken.
How many days has it been now since the end? Multiply that number by two. On that day, things will be easier. Multiply that number by two now. On that day things will be easier still. And so on and so on. You will never stop leaving, growing, and becoming. This will not be easy but nothing worth anything in life ever is. If this were not meant to be so, it would not be happening. But it is meant to be, and so it is.
If you feel as though you are incapable of doing absolutely anything right now, that’s okay. Just keep breathing. Breathing is your only responsibility now.
There’s not much more that I can say to you now. There’s not much more that anyone can say. But, here are a few things that got me through. I hope they help. I hope that you keep on going because if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.
These pains that you feel are messengers, listen to them. Turn them to sweetness. —Rumi
The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
The beauty of darkness / is how it lets you see. —Adrienne Rich
There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. —Louis L’Amour
Note: The quote at the top of this entry came from my dear friend, Crystle. It is, in part, what inspired me to share this.
